Domestic Abuse

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Helping a friend if they're being abused

If you are the domestic abuser

Extra Information and Resources

What support is there after I leave?

What is domestic violence?

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and can be sexual, physical, digital, emotional or financial. It may be one of these or a combination and can happen in relationships or between family members.

If you have ever felt afraid of your partner or changed your behaviour because you are afraid of what your partner might do, you might be experiencing or have experienced domestic abuse.

You do not have to wait for a dangerous situation to seek help. If domestic abuse is happening to you, it is important to tell someone and get help as soon as you can.

If your partner has had sex with you when you did not want to, it is rape. Help can be found on our Sexual Abuse page.

It is not your fault and you do not deserve it. Domestic abuse does not get better on its own. Please seek advice as soon as you can from police, helplines or someone you know.

Signs of domestic abuse

There are different kinds of abuse. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you might be in an abusive relationship or have experienced domestic abuse.

Have you ever felt afraid of your partner?

Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do?

Emotional abuse

Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

belittle you, or put you down?
blame you for the abuse or arguments?
deny that abuse is happening, or downplay it?
isolate you from your family and friends?
stop you going to college or work?
make unreasonable demands for your attention?
accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think?
control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things?
monitor your social media profiles, share photos or videos of you without your consent or use GPS locators to know where you are?

Threats and intimidation

Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

threaten to hurt or kill you?
destroy things that belong to you?
stand over you, invade your personal space?
threaten to kill themselves or the children?
read your emails, texts or letters?
harass or follow you?

Physical abuse

Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

slap, hit or punch you?
push or shove you?
bite or kick you?
burn you?
choke you or hold you down?
throw things?

Sexual abuse

Does your partner or someone you live with ever:

touch you in a way you do not want to be touched?
make unwanted sexual demands?
hurt you during sex?
pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example, not using a condom?
pressure you to have sex?

Domestic Abuse and Pregnancy

Pregnancy can be a trigger for domestic abuse, and existing abuse may get worse during pregnancy or after giving birth. Help is available from the listed charities below plus GP’s, midwives, health visitors, obstetricians and social workers. If you are in immediate danger, always call 999.

If you decide to leave

The first step in escaping an abusive situation is realising that you're not alone and it's not your fault. If you have decided to leave your abuser, it is important that you access specialist support. Leaving an abusive partner may be dangerous and the abuser may become more abusive to try and regain control over you. In some cases, it can be very important that they don’t find out you are considering leaving or where you are going.

England and Wales Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

Scotland's Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline 0800 027 1234

Northern Ireland Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline 0808 802 1414

You may wish to think about:

Creating an emergency bag if it is safe to do so without your abuser noticing. You could keep a bag at a friend, family or neighbours house with some money, important documents (including passports, bank account details, benefit information, birth certificates, marriage certificates, tenancy/mortgage documents, ID documents, National Insurance Number, driving licence), keys, clothes, any medication, phone charger and important numbers written down. You may wish to pack small sentimental items too. If you cannot pack everything, consider hiding it in the house until you can get a police escort to collect belongings.
Making a mental plan with a safe time to leave. Consider where your abuser may be at that time and plan a safe route which cannot be found out.
A safe place to stay. This might be the home of a trusted friend or family member, but make sure your abuser does not know the location. There is also the option of going to a refuge which the organisations listed above can help with. You can also seek housing advice from any local authority even if you do not live in the local area.
Creating a code word NOW with family, neighbours or friends in case you need urgent help
Show your children how to call 999 and ask for help
Check or update all of your passwords including banking, social media and email.
If your children are in school, consider speaking to a teacher to inform them about what is happening. They maybe able to direct you to help, give you child extra support and not allow your child to leave with your abuser.

You can also apply for a non molestation order. This is a kind of injunction you can apply for yourself and is for victims of domestic abuse. The order is specifically used when the person stalking or harassing you is an ex partner or close family member. The order can prohibit the abuser from doing things, including using physical violence or threats, intimidating, harassing, pestering and communicating with you. For this non molestation order, there is an easy fill online tool to help you apply.

The police may issue a Domestic Violence Protection Order which is an emergency order and eviction notice in one. It is effective immediately from the time of issuing and can prevent the perpetrator from returning to a residence and having any contact with the victim for up to 28 days. This allows the victim safety, space and time to consider their options.

Helping a friend if they're being abused

If you're worried that a friend is being abused, create a safe space they feel more comfortable confiding in, tell them you are worried about them and take them seriously! They might not be ready to talk yet so give them time and do not push them to talk if they don’t want to.

When they are ready to speak, don’t judge, listen and tell them it is not their fault. Remind them they’re not alone and acknowledge the strength it has taken for them to tell you. If you can, encourage them to contact a helpline. Support them no matter what, even if they decide to stay, it is their decision.

Other ways you could help include agreeing a code word where they can signal they are in danger and need help, finding services and organisations that could help, offer to keep important documents or an emergency bag safe for them, keep a log of abuse, log copies of emails and texts, encourage them to visit the GP and try to encourage them to call a helpline to get support to leave.

In an emergency and if you fear for their safety call 999.

What support is there after I leave?

Survivors may feel relief which may suddenly be replaced by feelings of grief and overwhelm. However you feel is valid. It may take a long time for you and your children to heal and feelings of grief are completely normal.

Mental health support is available through your GP. If you need support from other survivors you can contact dasgsurvivors@gmail.com or visit their website Domestic Abuse Survivors Group. They can offer 24/7 peer support and can also direct you to information and services that can help.

Any of the organisations, websites and resources listed can also help getting you back on your feet and safe and the police can also help by issuing a number of different protection orders against your abuser to keep them away from you, remove them from the household and protect your children.

Help with digital platforms

Get information about what your abuser may have access to digitally. This tool created by Refuge and Avast, can give you knowledge to help you secure your digital platforms.

If you are the domestic abuser

If you are the domestic abuser please contact the charity Respect. They offer you help and support. There is a helpline that you can call 0808 8024040 (available Monday to Friday 10am-5pm), email info@respectphoneline.org.uk and webchat support through their website Thursdays 2-4pm.

Where can I get help?

If you email, it is important to specify when it is safe and if it is safe to respond and to which email address.

Talk to a doctor, health visitor or midwife
Women in England and Wales can call the Refuge Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 for free. It is available 24/7 and staff will offer confidential and non judgemental support. You can also contact via webchat (available Monday to Friday 10am-10pm) or email helpline@womensaid.org.uk
Women in Scotland can call Scotland's Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline 0800 027 1234 any time 24/7 for free. You can text or WhatsApp 07401 288595 or email helpline@sdafmh.org.uk. Webchat is also available.
Women in Northern Ireland can call the Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline 0808 802 1414 which is available for free 24/7. You can also email help@dsahelpline.org or webchat which is available 24/7 365 days a year.
Men can call the Respect Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010 327 (Monday to Friday 10am-5pm), email info@mensadviceline.org.uk or use the webchat (available Wednesday 10-11.30am and Thursday 2-4pm) at https://mensadviceline.org.uk/contact-us/ Men can also call Mankind freephone on 0808 800 1170 (Monday for Friday 10am-4pm)
For the LGBTQIA+ community you can contact Galop on 0800 999 5428 (available Monday and Tuesday 9.15am-1pm and 2pm-8pm and Wednesday to Friday 9.15am-1pm and 2pm-4.30pm), email help@galop.org.uk and webchat support (Monday to Thursday 9.15am-1pm and 2pm-4.30pm)
If you need help with honour based abuse and fear you’re at risk of forced marriage call Karma Nirvana on 0800 5999 247 (Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm) or email through their contact us page. They can also help in English, Urdu, Hindi and Punjabi.
If you feel at risk of forced marriage, call 020 7008 0151 to speak to the Forced Marriage Unit
If you are being stalked, call National Stalking Helpline on 0808 802 0300 (available Monday and Wednesday 09:30am- 8pm and Tuesday, Thursday and Friday 09.30am-4pm)
If you are worried about your child’s mental health call 0808 802 544 to speak to YoungMinds.
If you have left and need support email dasgsurvivors@gmail.com or visit https://domestic-abuse-survivors-group.yolasite.com. They offer 24/7 support through their chat channels

Consider downloading the Hollie Guard app. Hollie Guard is a smartphone app which has some useful safety features. There are three main features:

Journey feature - allows users to set a start and end point, the app automatically monitors your journey and alerts your nominated contacts once you safely arrive or trigger an alert.
Alert feature - by holding down the hexagon button for 3-6 seconds, you can set off an alert and activate your camera, send a message and recording to your set emergency contacts
Meeting Feature - A timer you set will countdown until deactivated. You have to mark yourself as safe, otherwise it will raise an alert to your emergency contact. This is perfect for getting home safely after a night out.

Location services can be turned off any time you like. Any evidence captured will be saved in the cloud for later use.